Generation-Hiphop.com

Dear Miss Jia,

About two years ago, a new member joined my church and was later put into a position as junior pastor. He’s young (early 30s), intelligent and of course, very good looking. Before anyone passes judgment, it should be noted that I don’t find anything wrong with meeting people in the church. Just as someone would feel comfortable meeting folks online or in the club, Christians fellowship with other Christians in the church.

After, working alongside our junior pastor on several of the projects we having going on in church, he eventually asked me out to dinner. During our date, I learned a lot about him…some good, some bad (past related) but it also made me draw a great deal of respect for him. We continued seeing each other for several months and he eventually asked me to marry him.

Here is my dilemma, Jia…one of the things that made me love and respect him during our initial courtship was the fact that he was now leading a “pure” life. But there isn’t a moment that goes by where he is not constantly making requests for sex (or sexual like acts) and I just don’t feel right about it. I’m no virgin but I did make a vow to God that I would not have sex again until I met someone worth it and got married. He told me that, as his future wife, it is “his right” to request sex anytime he wants. Anytime I refuse, he throws my own past in my face (which definitely isn’t a pretty one). He’s also started telling me that I should feel “lucky” that I was the one he chose, especially with his growing position in the church. I’m constantly reminded that other women would be happy to take my place. We’ve already been counseled on this and even the Pastor took his side, saying that I was not fulfilling my duties as a Christian woman by refusing intimacy (even though we are NOT married).

What should I do about this situation? My promise to God is a lot more important than any vow I could make to a man. I love him but at the same time, I won’t be verbally abused, disrespected or forced to do anything that I don’t want to do.

—————————————————————–

Thanks for writing this letter. I dunno what church YOU attend but it seems like the people inside have the message a little twisted. While I am not extremely well versed in the Bible, I will say that I do have VERY strong opinions about snakes in the church and unfortunately, I think that your fiance (and that counseling pastor) may be one. For one, if he was truly practicing what he preached (pun totally intended), he wouldn’t feel the need to try and force you into a physical relationship if you don’t want one. And to say that other women would be happy to take your place, especially those in the church, leads me to believe that he might end up being one of those pastors that tests the waters of many vaginas in the congregation just to call your bluff. I’m not trying to say that you should assume he’d cheat but comments like that make me believe that he’s capable. He’s basically letting you know that if you aren’t willing to comply with his requests, someone close by will and I, personally, don’t believe in standing by while someone makes a threat.

Above all else, he should respect the fact that you both have a past. Throwing yours in your face after argument makes it seem as though he might feel like his “sins” are somehow less than yours. Combining that with the fact that he’s a pastor might make him feel as though he has the right to be as critical of you as he wants. Remind him of Matthews 7:1-3 in case he forgot.

What you really need to ask yourself is…if you see that he’s being disrespectful, critical and self righteous now, do you think that any of this has the potential to change? You know him better than anyone here would, so I’d take that into consideration. And whatever you decide, feel free to email me back for an update.

What do you guys think?

If you have any questions that you’d like to ask Miss Jia, please send them to holla@missjia.com with “ADVICE” in the subject line. Thanks!

See the original post:
Ask Miss Jia: Unpausing the Vag for Christ?